Now Accepting Dating Applications

Happy V*******e's Day

Feb 14, 2025

About the Position
I am looking for a partner who thinks I am God’s gift to mankind in a scientific (non-religious) way.

You are:

Tall(er than me. I am 5 feet 2 inches tall)
Snarky but never mean
- Can be mean about other people to me if they deserve it, but never to their faces
In possession of good taste, which, contrary to popular opinion, is not subjective
Prone to writhing/crawling around like an animal under the right circumstances
Able to respect that I engage with certain cancelled artists and writers because I separate their work from their selves
- You don’t have to have the same stance
Willing to read 5-10 comic drafts per day and give feedback (unpaid)
A little clingy
Serious about things that matter and also serious about being a silly goose
Perfect
- For me

Position Requirements:

Resist urge to smash a glass cup against a wall when I’m being stubborn
- Which is 20/24 hours of every day
Cook dinner every other day
Appreciation for endurance sports
- Willing to run with me at least 3 times a year
Reassure me that I’m a genius
- Don’t get frustrated by my inability to accept compliments
- Don’t get frustrated by my equal parts egomania/insecurity
Seduce me and triumph over my chronic fear of intimacy
- Seduce me in a fun way, not a creepy way
- Fear of intimacy is NOT fear of vulnerability, which I do not possess, as someone who regularly confesses their deepest darkest secrets to strangers on the internet

FAQs:
Why am I applying and not the other way around?
Because you didn’t send me an application. Have some initiative. It’s nut cuttin’ time, as my late grandfather would say.

Is this a real application?
Yes. No.

Will you respond if I send one in?
100% you bet your bottom dollar.

Can I apply if I am polyamorous?
I’m not polyamorous, so no. But please forward this application to your monogamous photographer Brooklyn friend.